Cloud Of Doubt

I don’t want anyone to think that I am always hopeful and cheery. That simply wouldn’t be realistic. I too become doubtful of the future. It does at times seem dreary and gruesome. I too am skeptical of the days ahead. I know that this life isn’t always welcoming, while good things come in three's so do the bad. I know that life will kick you down bruise your knees and leave you breathless. I know that my open and awaiting arms will have a few scrapes and scars. I know that my fingers will grow callous climbing the mountain of success trying to hold on as life’s obstacles try to pry my fingers off. I am aware of these things. And there are times when I completely break down because it seems too hard. The tears of fear and anxiety stream down my face. These moments are the hardest. But I allow myself to have these moments. I allow myself to break down. But I don’t permit myself to stay in that state. I agree to let one last tear trickle down my cheek. Then I tell myself, “That’s enough!” I wash my face with cool fresh water, and walk out of the bathroom. Don’t bother using a towel. I love the sensation of the light breeze kissing me all over the face, drying it. I am ready once more, only to have the same moments occur again days later. See, these moments happen and will continue to happen. But I can’t let them define me. Obstacles and challenges are placed before us to weed out the weak. How we handle ourselves during these times separate and divide us. Some will get knocked down and stay down. Others will find the strength and courage it takes to get right back up. Everyone wants. We all have wants and desires but not everyone deserves. I don’t want my success to come by chance or sheer luck. I want to deserve it. And the lengths it took me to get there will forever humble me. XoXXo

Eyes. Wide. Open.

Hello World!! I’ve found my definition of purpose. I now know what purpose my life will serve. I am fully aware of my mission and will do everything within my power to complete it. Ahh it is truly amazing that once upon a time I approached the world with tightly clenched fists creating a T, covering my face like a fighter. I truly did believe that the world was against me, everyone was the enemy and no one could be trusted. In this life it was all about me, me and yes more of me. I believed wholeheartedly that I knew it all. Then life goes and slaps me straight across the face, forever bruising my cheek, leaving a slight scar only noticeable to me. This scar now serves as symbol of recollection so I will never forget. I have put down those tightly clenched fists. My arms now rest by my sides, hands open, palms up, and ready to receive like reaching out to feel the rain. I understand that this new approach is risky.  I was protected by my fighter stance, forming a barrier, a shell around me. Allowing myself to be this open, places me at a very vulnerable state. I am now placed within marginal lines, being this open means that I am now subject to catch the heartache and pains of life. But I am beginning to understand that it’s okay because that also means that my hands are ready to catch all the beautiful things as they fall out the sky. So to me that makes it worth it. I don’t want to merely exist. I want to live and living means feeling…everything. So now it’s not just about me, it’s about the world around me. It’s about what I can do to change it for the better. My hunger and desire ushers me in and out of each day. Steve Jobs was right in this life you must, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Many may not understand your purpose but that’s okay. There will be times when the very same people that you’re trying to save will be the very same people stepping on your cape. But don’t let that discourage you. As eager as I am to set out on this adventure I know I must be patient. I know that I must fully educate myself. Cleanse myself of all the miseducations. Knowledge and education is the sine qua non of my mission. Stay beautiful! XoXXoXXo

Changing Times

Hello there beauties! It’s amazing that once upon a time I used to in a sense look up to certain people, was even a bit envious of them. Now? Not so much actually not at all. I finally realized that no one has it all figured out. We are pretty much all drifting in the same boat trying to find land. Yes, I do draw inspiration from many but I don’t desire to be any of them (not that there is anything wrong with them). I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I also must stop putting myself on a timeline trying to follow it to a T. Now, I’m realizing that life is way too unpredictable and uncertain to lay everything out on a map. Step by step and day by day is how I choose to live. Can’t focus too much energy on the future, it isn’t here yet. Must live in the now. Be present. You can’t enjoy the beautiful moments if you’re busy worrying about tomorrow. This is not to say that I have no plans for the future and will live recklessly for the sake of living the day up as if it were my last. That would be a whole other extreme. I am simply finding my equilibrium. Well, enough of my chitchat. I had another mini photo shoot with a new photographer, Vivian or as I call her Vi. Yes, I know I’ve mentioned her many times so no need for a grand introduction. But I will say this I had lots of fun and the pictures came out great. Especially considering it was her first time (did better than I did). She’s a beautiful person and an amazing friend. Love her lots. Here are a few shots:

I was trying to look tough for these pics since I'm always smiling. I guess I need to stick to the smiles. Being tough isn't me lol. Honestly, I feel super awkward in front of the camera that’s why I prefer that I’m comfortable with the person taking the photo’s of me. I know it really shouldn’t be a big deal but hey that’s just me. So when I got home my mom asked if she could take a picture of me on her camera. How could I turn down my darling mom? Of course I happily obliged. Here is one that she took:

BTW, I must remind you that I am no model. Not in the least. These were just for fun. Have an amazingly beautiful euphoric day! XoXXoXXo

Relations...

HELLO GUMDROPS! Normally, I would never use a social media site as a platform to discuss relationships even on my own blog. Merely a preference but I ordinarily don't like to discuss these matters en masse. BUT for today I will make an exception to the rule. No rule is ever truly absolute, right? Nonetheless, I felt the need to address this issue because it seems to be a constant theme amongst those that surround me. So here goes nothing. First and foremost, relationships are work. Any relationship requires some degree of work and dedication, whether it’s a relationship between or among family, friends, and coworkers or with you and your significant other. No relationship is perfect; there will be a collective number of "good" and "bad" times. But it’s up to the individuals within that relationship to stick it through even when hardships arise (they will). It’s up to those people within that relationship to decide whether or not the other is worth...I guess you can say for the lack of a better word, the hassle. Let's get a bit more specific. A lot of people tend to discuss the relationship with their spouse with a broad spectrum of people. The problem with that is everyone has their own individual bias so by opening the doors to discussion, you are inviting bias opinions. Now, I'm not saying you can't vent out and ask friends for advice when needed, but do understand that their opinions aren't necessarily objective. And at the end of the day there are only two people (typically) in this kind of relationship. Although it is nice to get an outsiders opinion because, they can help put things into perspective for you. See things that you fail to realize because of emotional components. However, do note that no one is going to understand your partner the way you do. I find that in a lot of relationships people lack communication. From personal experiences I find that guys (the ones that I've encountered) find it hard to express themselves (verbally). More often than not they need to be coerced into saying what they truly feel. I guess that's part of the male ego? Not wanting to look emotional or vulnerable? I don't know. You decide. It’s my biggest pet peeve. To me if WE are together, why would you care to seem vulnerable? To me it shouldn't matter. I wouldn't look at it as a sign of weakness yet a merit of strength. It takes courage to be who you are and be honest about how you feel. I couldn't help but respect it. For pride and love is like hot oil and water. It doesn't mix. At times we are all forced to let our guards down. Just for a bit more clarification I do not expect guys to necessarily cry on a whim or nitpick. But on the flip side I wouldn't want to be with a guy that was super macho. There must be a balance. Every relationship is different; create your own "rules" as to what the median is. It doesn't have to reflect one of another relationship. Now, I have no expertise when it comes to relationships. I am no relationship guru. Even though I do feel like I've had relations or encounters with a series of different males. Each different yet, all seem to share some form of common ground. I'm sure guys feel the same about females or whichever your sexual preference is. Hmm I hope it doesn’t seem as if I’m trying to group guys into some macro category. I’m not too big on labels. We all have our own stories and no two are the same so sorry if I’m being a bit too general. I’m just saying…. Anyhow, papers to write and books to read. Enjoy! XoXXoXXo

Life's A Trip

If you’re not going to help me to elevate and progress in life, what purpose do you serve? I am tired of parasitic relationships where one merely leeches off of you and you get nothing in return. I need symbiotic relations where we learn and grow from each other. And I don’t mean as far as helping a friend in need because we all lean on someone at some point or another. That’s perfectly natural and I encourage it. I find that even in the teaching you too learn. However, we must all learn to stand tall on our own two feet. We will never know how strong we truly are until we are forced to be, because only then we have no choice. I learn from everyone whether it is directly or indirectly. I learn from the experiences of others and of course my own. I even learn from people I don’t particularly care for. There are lessons to be learned in everything in life. We just have to take a step back and try our hardest to keep everything in perspective. I admit that during a time of crisis it is hard to do so. But later on, not immediately you will see why certain obstacles were placed in front of you. Having these understandings will help you to push forward. Life is funny, she will often give you the test first and the lesson afterwards. This is how she keeps us on our toes. It sucks at times because we feel blindsided and unprepared. But such is life, study hard and keep up with the new material. She is known for giving pop quizzes as well. Though it’s not all bad, she gives the best rewards so it makes it all worth it! Enjoy beauties, XoXXoXXo

Wait Here While I..."Watch The Throne"

I’m strongly anticipating the album release of, “Watch The Throne” which is a collaboration album with Kanye West and Jay-Z. Anyone who knows me or has been following this blog knows how much I admire Mr. West. I am so going to his concert. This is a must. It will be an early birthday present to myself. Anyway, I found a synopsis of the album from the perspective of  one of my favorite blogs, Concreteloop.com. Here is what they had to say:

TRACK BY TRACK NOTES/ OVERALL VIBE OF ‘WATCH THE THRONE’

Here are some of the notes and vibes I got from the songs. It was really dark in there so I wasn’t able to take that many notes, but this still gives you an idea of how dope the tracks were (to me at least).

1. “No Church in the Wild” (featuring Frank Ocean)
4/5 – Frank Ocean comes in on the song asking “What’s a king to a god? What’s a god to a king? What’s a god to a nonbeliever?” Kanye & Jay gives us 808s & Heartbreaks vibes on the track and it is actually a good starting point.

2. “Lift Off” (featuring Beyoncé)
4/5 – It was originally announced that Bruno Mars was going to be on the track, but I didn’t hear him. Only Beyonce was heard belting out “We gonna take it to the moon/ We gonna take it to the stars/ How many people you know take it this far?” Pretty dope track.

3. “Niggas in Paris”  
5/5!!!!!! Best beat on the album. Everyone was getting out of their seats and jamming. It gave me a down south vibe. They were straight stunting on the song and both Kanye & Jay killed their verses. I wanted them to replay it.

4. “Otis” (featuring Otis Redding)
3/5 Since this song is already out, you can listen here. However, while this was playing I noticed that Beyonce & Jay-Z were really feeling it. They were smiling all over the place.

5. “Gotta Have It”
5/5 – This Nepturnes produced beat was also another crazy one. Kanye plays on the internet culture because I heard a couple of LOLs mentions on the track. Jay-Z goes in on the high price of being famous.

6. “New Day”  
5/5 This song samples Nina Simone’s “Feelin’ Good.” You can hear her voice “Birds flyin’ high, you know how I feel” and Kanye and Jay-Z get personal. Both speak to about or to their unborn children and it was actually thought provoking. Kanye even puts in a jab to Amber Rose saying, “Strip club, I learned the hard way that wasn’t where to find love.”

7. “That’s My Bitch”  
4/5 The guy next to me said this song leaked because he heard it before but it was new to me. The visual effects during this time were planets exploding and then it eventually turned into the moon. Pretty dope. Didn’t write any lyric notes down.

8. “Welcome to the Jungle”
4/5 Swizz Beatz is very evident on this song. Guitars and a Jay-Z mention of Axel Rose (i’m guessing that was smart because of the song title). Definite banger though.

9. “Who’s Gon Stop Me”  
3/5 All I remember is Kanye saying something about the Holocaust in the chorus and even though it was dark inside the planetarium, everyone started writing hard on their paper. I was like ut oh, this is gonna turn into something if he isn’t careful. The song was aiight, but I think people are going to make a big heap about his ‘Holocaust’ mentioning.

10. “Murder to Excellence”  
4/5 Another deep song on the album. Kanye speaks about the murder count in Chicago comparing it to the deaths of soldiers in Iraq. Jay-Z sheds light on the black on black crime / murder in an inspirational way.

11. “Made in America” (featuring Frank Ocean)
5/5 Frank Ocean’s chorus on this song was pretty dope. He sang “Sweet brother Martin, sweet queen Coretta, sweet brother Malcolm, sweet queen Betty… sweet brother Joseph, sweet Mary, sweet baby Jesus. Made in America.” Kanye payed homage to his mother, and Jay-Z pledged allegiance to his grandma. Another inspirational song on both Jay and Kanye’s end. All I can remember is the Frank Ocean chorus right now. It’s stuck in my head.

12. “Why I Love You” (featuring Mr Hudson)
3/5 This song kind of reminded me of off the “Graduation’ album. Kanye were just speaking his growth in the industry making beats and songs for people. He also compared him using his beats as ‘getting high off his own supply’. Jay-Z speaks being successful and his ups and downs with loyalty. Solid effort but not the best on the album.

OVERALL, IT’S A MUST BUY. MAKE SURE YOU SUPPORT ON AUGUST 8TH. ( PRE-ORDER HERE ).

Overall, the album was entertaining, educational, inspirational and the beats went hard. You can tell the older the two get, the more reflective they are becoming as evident in many of the songs on the upcoming release. Not to mention, they even had little dope interludes in between each song (reminiscent of Frank Ocean’s infamous mixtape) and the hip-hop heads will dig some of the mixing and samples as well. I’m excited to hear it in full again.

Ugh! They were actually invited to an exclusive listening session. Lucky them! But the reviews seem worth the buy. I’d like to judge for myself but it’s cool to have a little insight. 

Did I ever mention that I'm a fan of Solange Knowles? Well, I am. Solange was there along side a few other celebs such as her sister Beyonce, Kelly Rowland, Jada Pinkett Smith, etc. BTW, Diana Ross came to my job yesterday and I was super excited. I literally had a legend in my presence and what a beauty! Too cool! Enjoy lovers…XoXXoXXo

True Confessions...

Okay my gumdrops I have a confession. I have a guilty pleasure. Well I have many but I’ll share this one with you today. Indulge me. I absolutely love Pretty Little Liars! I watch it every Tuesday at 8p.m. Eastern Time on ABC Family. If I know I'm not going to be home I record it. And if I forget to do that I watch it on the Internet. Yes, it’s that serious. This is its second season in running and I'm hooked. I just adore it. I literally prepare my snack 10 minutes before show time so I don't miss a beat. I do not like to be interrupted. If I know I have to babysit my nephew I make sure he's asleep or has something to occupy and distract him during the duration of the show.

“Everytime you smile I feel trembles in my heart.” No it’s truly not that serious. I’m just listening to, “Sittin’ Up In My Room” by Brandy lol. But I must say I do enjoy watching him on screen. I think he’s super cute! 

Bad boy hotness!

Aren’t they such a great looking cast? I think so. It has something for everyone, cute guys for girls to watch and pretty girls for the males to enjoy. Or whichever you prefer. Although I highly doubt guys would be into this show, seems more of a girly kind of thing. Anyhow, so I finally got to hang with my darling Sarah the other night. We decided to have a dinner and the employees of the restaurant were literally waiting for us to leave. We were so busy chatting away that we didn’t notice that we were the only ones left. We SHUT IT DOWN lol. 

Isn’t she the prettiest?! She’s an aspiring actress. This young lady is going places and I’m so excited for her. I can sit and converse with her all day. She’s so very laid back and humble, excellent qualities to possess. I love when people exude awesomeness. And she is one. Enjoy my beauties…XoXXoXXo

Hey, Nick!

I can’t believe it, Nickelodean just made my summer! They decided to bring back 90’s Nick, I couldn’t be happier about it. I grew up watching Pete & Pete, Doug, Clarissa Explains It All, Space Cases, Salute Your Shorts, Ahh Real Monsters, Cousin Skeeter, Are You Afraid Of The Dark, The Secret World Of Alex Mack, Kenan & Kel, My Brother & Me, Rugrats, Double Dare etc. Like these shows along with countless others was my life. I’m grateful to even be given a glimpse of my childhood; nostalgia at its best. I remember how I felt, how simple my life was. I had no worries in the world. It was my sis, television and I. We were in our own little protected bubble. And I loved it! I remember feeling like I could do anything the world was my playground. I was a pearl in an oyster.

BTW, does anyone remember Face on Nick Jr.? I do! "Hi there, face here!" ^___^

It’s all about me! Please, don’t take it personally…

Okay, so lately I’ve been totally self-absorbed. Not really caring about anything that doesn’t benefit me. If its not helping me elevate then it’s not that important. Lately, this unabated drive for success has my eyes scotch tapped open. I see it. I want it. Period. This stentorian voice has been keeping me up. It doesn’t shut up. Success, love and happiness are all I need in this life. It’s all I want. Some get 1 out of 2, others 2 out of 3. Me? I’m going for all 3. Impossible? I’m trying to make the impossible, possible. I will not settle for less. As far as I’m concerned it’s just this mountain of success and me. I have my climbing gear on. I’m ready. May have a few scratches and bruises and be tired as hell when I finally get to the top but it will all be worth it. So what does one do when they reach the top? This is a question that I asked myself before I went to bed last night. Then as I was about to close my eyes to fall asleep, it hit me. DUH, climb another mountain!  

My mom swears I’m a vegetarian. She made me a veggie burger with mixed vegetables. But I must admit it was mighty toothsome. =D

I finally got to hang out with my pocket of cuteness Melanie. She is just too cool. I’m going to have to clone her and a few other people. The world needs more of these people in this life. BTW, I’m totally in love with her hair! Enjoy you beautiful people. Until next time…XoXXoXXo

Picture This

So I had a mini photo shoot last week. It was pretty cool, but I know I could never be a professional model. For one, I definitely do not have the poise of a model and I can be deathly awkward in front of the camera. I prefer to be behind the lens, although I‘m still just a novice photographer. I want to be the one to capture the moment. I’ve come to the realize that pictures today are not about capturing a moment but selling an idea. Most people post pictures of themselves to plant an idea. Paint a picture of who they are or rather who they want others to believe they are. They want to seem cool, fun, exciting or perhaps rugged, daring, whatever. I want stills of a moment. Whether it be a couple making kissy faces in the park, kids playing on the playground, a woman smiling as she reads a novel on the train or a guy bopping to the music blasting from his headphones. I zeal for those random moments, they are the best!  Anyway, here are a few shots of that day:

BTW, my homie Sean was the photographer of the day once again. He was real patient and down for whatever, which made it a lot easier. Hope you guys enjoyed, have a beautiful day! XoXXoXXo

Just Saying...

I am my best friend and worst enemy. I knock myself down and build myself up. My mind and me have a love hate relationship. Sometimes my own thoughts piss me off, and I want to pack up and take a vacation from myself. Then there are times when I’m madly in love with me. I think the most while on the train to work. I'm completely engulfed in my thoughts that I sometimes fail to hear the announcements, "This is the last stop on this train. Everyone please leave the train. Thank you for riding with MTA's NYC transit." I sit there and watch as everyone leaves the train. I see them but I'm not truly looking at them. My mind is god knows where else. Then a friendly MTA crew member informs me that its time to go. Then I'm yanked back into reality. There are times when I feel totally euphoric. Then there are times when I want to sit and wallow in self-pity. Sometimes my best just doesn't seem good enough and I vituperate myself. I tell myself that I'm simply not good enough and will never be. I see my competion and feel embarrassingly defeated. Then within the next moment I feel like I can rule the world. That I could fly to outer space fueled by my own ambitions. I remind myself of how I was when I was in elementary school. A time where I felt like anything was possible. Where my imagination would run wild and I didn't second-guess myself. I think back to a little song my 3rd-5th-grade science teacher taught me, "I am special. I can be anything that I want to be. But no one can do it for me but me. If it is to be its up to me." This is now my mantra.  I am my biggest critic.  I am my greatest competition. I am the oppressor of optimistic and pessimistic thoughts. I am the challenger. I am the motivator. I am in charge of my destiny. I test my limits. I know my capabilities. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be at this stage in my life. I am grateful. I am thankful. I love those who push me outside of my comfort zone. I am humbled by the true greatness that surrounds me. I am blessed.

BTW, I had dinner with my Viva la Vivie tonight and we decided to have a walk while we chatted a bit and we stumbled across this…

Just a bunch of random books sprawled out on the sidewalk. So we decided to take some up and donate them to Goodwill. I would hate to see books thrown into the trash. Sorry for the poor quality of these pictures, I took them with my phone
-____-

Until next time my loves…XoXXoXXo

On A Incline!

Oh my have I missed my pumpkin pies! I feel like I’ve totally abandoned this blog, my apologies. For my faithful followers I once wrote about leaving this world and entering my own. I left my world momentarily to come back to this place. It’s time for me to go back, it’s way too ugly on this side. Needless to say, a million and one things have been going on and with time I will catch everyone up. For now let’s focus on a few. I’ve been trying my best to fool around with the video feature on my camera to help one of my friends out with shooting a short documentary. Which I’m super excited to do since I have so many ideas, I only pray they can be executed as I imagine. If it can, then it will be brilliant. I promise. In the midst of all of this I’m still trying to get better with my photography. My multi-talented gumdrop Sean dabbles in photography, so on an outing he actually took some pictures of me. Anyway, it wasn’t a planned photo shoot, pretty much a “why not” kind of thing. Here are a few shots of the day:

Mr. Handsome, Sean Ice

Sean is super talented he sings raps, writes his own music, draws, and does photography the works. This probably sounds like a paid advertisement but believe me it’s not. Though I wish it was lol, just kidding. But honestly this guy rocks! He’s just too cool and he’s cute too! All that and he still manages to stay humble. That's what I love the most; I pray he doesn't lose that. And guess what ladies…he’s SINGLE! Ahh there is one song in particular of his that I’m just in love with, it’s so inspiring. I listen to it all the time. I don’t know it just speaks to me; the name of this song is called "A Million." But my iPod is filled with his music. Every song is different no two are the same. His talent honestly blows me away. I can’t wait for the day when I hear his music on the radio. I’m going to be like “OH shoot I know him!!” and jump up and down. Or maybe knew him. You know how some people get when they get fame. Hopefully he doesn’t become one of those people. But I truly believe in this guy and you all should get use to his name, you’re sure to hear much more about him. At last music today just doesn’t give me that fix that I’m looking for less than a handful of artist mentally stimulates me. Artists like Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, and Lauryn Hill. They are the only artists that come to mind. Though I must say I do enjoy listening to Drake. But I’m not ready to put him in the same league as the rest. I need more from him. Don’t get me wrong I love music that just makes me want to dance and jump up and down and have a good time. They’re several artists that do that for me. But that’s the problem, when they are all the same no one stands out. In life you must strive to stand out not blend in though this is just my opinion. I love when I can finish listening to a song and simply am in astonishment like, “whoa, I never looked at it like that before or wow that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.” Does that make sense? It does to me. Oh I have so much to say so many topics to cover! Until next time…XoXXoXXo

BTW, Sean is the person that I'm going to shoot the video for. World meet Sean Ice or as I know him Sean Ewen. Check him out at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=547819129