Cloud Of Doubt

I don’t want anyone to think that I am always hopeful and cheery. That simply wouldn’t be realistic. I too become doubtful of the future. It does at times seem dreary and gruesome. I too am skeptical of the days ahead. I know that this life isn’t always welcoming, while good things come in three's so do the bad. I know that life will kick you down bruise your knees and leave you breathless. I know that my open and awaiting arms will have a few scrapes and scars. I know that my fingers will grow callous climbing the mountain of success trying to hold on as life’s obstacles try to pry my fingers off. I am aware of these things. And there are times when I completely break down because it seems too hard. The tears of fear and anxiety stream down my face. These moments are the hardest. But I allow myself to have these moments. I allow myself to break down. But I don’t permit myself to stay in that state. I agree to let one last tear trickle down my cheek. Then I tell myself, “That’s enough!” I wash my face with cool fresh water, and walk out of the bathroom. Don’t bother using a towel. I love the sensation of the light breeze kissing me all over the face, drying it. I am ready once more, only to have the same moments occur again days later. See, these moments happen and will continue to happen. But I can’t let them define me. Obstacles and challenges are placed before us to weed out the weak. How we handle ourselves during these times separate and divide us. Some will get knocked down and stay down. Others will find the strength and courage it takes to get right back up. Everyone wants. We all have wants and desires but not everyone deserves. I don’t want my success to come by chance or sheer luck. I want to deserve it. And the lengths it took me to get there will forever humble me. XoXXo

Eyes. Wide. Open.

Hello World!! I’ve found my definition of purpose. I now know what purpose my life will serve. I am fully aware of my mission and will do everything within my power to complete it. Ahh it is truly amazing that once upon a time I approached the world with tightly clenched fists creating a T, covering my face like a fighter. I truly did believe that the world was against me, everyone was the enemy and no one could be trusted. In this life it was all about me, me and yes more of me. I believed wholeheartedly that I knew it all. Then life goes and slaps me straight across the face, forever bruising my cheek, leaving a slight scar only noticeable to me. This scar now serves as symbol of recollection so I will never forget. I have put down those tightly clenched fists. My arms now rest by my sides, hands open, palms up, and ready to receive like reaching out to feel the rain. I understand that this new approach is risky.  I was protected by my fighter stance, forming a barrier, a shell around me. Allowing myself to be this open, places me at a very vulnerable state. I am now placed within marginal lines, being this open means that I am now subject to catch the heartache and pains of life. But I am beginning to understand that it’s okay because that also means that my hands are ready to catch all the beautiful things as they fall out the sky. So to me that makes it worth it. I don’t want to merely exist. I want to live and living means feeling…everything. So now it’s not just about me, it’s about the world around me. It’s about what I can do to change it for the better. My hunger and desire ushers me in and out of each day. Steve Jobs was right in this life you must, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Many may not understand your purpose but that’s okay. There will be times when the very same people that you’re trying to save will be the very same people stepping on your cape. But don’t let that discourage you. As eager as I am to set out on this adventure I know I must be patient. I know that I must fully educate myself. Cleanse myself of all the miseducations. Knowledge and education is the sine qua non of my mission. Stay beautiful! XoXXoXXo

Changing Times

Hello there beauties! It’s amazing that once upon a time I used to in a sense look up to certain people, was even a bit envious of them. Now? Not so much actually not at all. I finally realized that no one has it all figured out. We are pretty much all drifting in the same boat trying to find land. Yes, I do draw inspiration from many but I don’t desire to be any of them (not that there is anything wrong with them). I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I also must stop putting myself on a timeline trying to follow it to a T. Now, I’m realizing that life is way too unpredictable and uncertain to lay everything out on a map. Step by step and day by day is how I choose to live. Can’t focus too much energy on the future, it isn’t here yet. Must live in the now. Be present. You can’t enjoy the beautiful moments if you’re busy worrying about tomorrow. This is not to say that I have no plans for the future and will live recklessly for the sake of living the day up as if it were my last. That would be a whole other extreme. I am simply finding my equilibrium. Well, enough of my chitchat. I had another mini photo shoot with a new photographer, Vivian or as I call her Vi. Yes, I know I’ve mentioned her many times so no need for a grand introduction. But I will say this I had lots of fun and the pictures came out great. Especially considering it was her first time (did better than I did). She’s a beautiful person and an amazing friend. Love her lots. Here are a few shots:

I was trying to look tough for these pics since I'm always smiling. I guess I need to stick to the smiles. Being tough isn't me lol. Honestly, I feel super awkward in front of the camera that’s why I prefer that I’m comfortable with the person taking the photo’s of me. I know it really shouldn’t be a big deal but hey that’s just me. So when I got home my mom asked if she could take a picture of me on her camera. How could I turn down my darling mom? Of course I happily obliged. Here is one that she took:

BTW, I must remind you that I am no model. Not in the least. These were just for fun. Have an amazingly beautiful euphoric day! XoXXoXXo